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It allbecomes so distorted I'm no longer able to tell. I'm thinking I may aswell cry. I did last time. And the parallels continue. Last time I'drealised I may be stuck forever as a woman. Today I'd had that madedefinitive. And that was independent of whether Anthony survives or not.Sure maybe it always was from the outset, and everyone else knew thatbut me. But today I had finally accepted it. Beyond any doubt. This iswho I am to live the rest of my days as. To die as. To have written onmy gravestone as for all perpetuity. And maybe if I'd just accepted thatearlier, then Anthony would not be potentially about to die, and Iwouldn't be feeling like I don't deserve to live either.To continue with the whole history repeating thing, now, just like lasttime, my mum comes rushing in. No dad yet, but it still felt the same.She sees me, which is different I suppose; last time they just brushedpast me."Melanie?" She spots the blood I can't hide with the blanket. "Oh mygod. Are you hurt?" No. ” I just laughed. This was what I was used to with these guys. No matter what I wore, it seemed they were always going to treat me like one of the guys. I excused myself and headed out for a breath of fresh air. I grabbed my coat, and went out to sit beside the pool. It was beautiful out here with the fairy lights and the steam rising off the water in front of me. I sat on a bench and thought about what I should have said to Jesse. If only I had the nerve. When it came to the job, I could boss any guy around no matter how strong he was. When it came to my heart, it was a different matter. I didn’t want to be the strong one. I wanted to be overpowered and taken. I wanted him to pursue me. Surely he knew I was interested? Maybe I just needed to remember how to be a woman and flirt with him a little bit. My mind flashed back to the day we planned the kitchen floor. It was the only time I had been alone with him. Why had he been in such a hurry to leave? As if summoned by my thoughts,.
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